I started this blog five years ago, and in planning this blog resurfacing, I contemplated whether to leave old posts up... and which ones.
Honestly, I've felt the need to separate the past and the present because I feel like I have been the worst version of myself... and to mix the two feels like an inaccurate and muddled representation of what I want from myself moving forward.
This is not to say that I'm not proud of anything in my past, or that I'm completely new, I just want a clean canvas moving forward.
I feel like I am in a lingering state of shock because I'm in a place in my life where everything around me is the same... but at the same time, completely different.For one,
- my sister - as of last year - is now married and has a daughter,
- I, along with my siblings, finally graduated,
- My family started a business.
- I'm leaving California for law school,
- ... and my six-year relationship ended - seven months ago.
Maybe that last one is the big one...
It has been 7 months, and I still - embarrassingly - find myself with a tear-soaked pillow on some nights. I think about how good it was, or how easy it was... and how I had to complicate it and end it so unexpectedly.
You're supposed to mourn the end of things... they never tell you how sadness makes you question everything over and over again - and how that loneliness and uncertainty makes you feel weak and vulnerable.
Sometimes you just get tired of defending yourself - from yourself... and sometimes you begin to distrust yourself because of it.
Did I think it through enough?
I lie about being okay a lot.
I want to be the confident person that people think I am, or I thought I was.
I just feel different, and that is complicated because I thought I liked who I was before. I don't know how to welcome the new parts of me without feeling like I'm someone I don't recognize anymore.
I don't know how to not overthink things.
It should be simple... the relationship was good, but it highlighted a lot of things I didn't like about myself. I cared too much about what people thought (still do), but I also think that I wasn't the kind of girlfriend I wanted to be, or should have been. I was careless, selfish, and unkind - at times. I was complacent and didn't communicate well. I was critical and often unappreciative.
Maybe I do have commitment issues, I mean, look at this blog.
Moving forward, I just want to be the better version of myself, and I think that begins with honesty and being able to know and forgive myself better.
So this is me being honest,
I'm not okay...
I feel sad a lot lately, but I don't believe that will be forever.
It's so cheesy to say, but, I want to fall in love with myself, truly - and not in the way that I am perceived by others. I want to stop prioritizing other people's vision of what my life should look like.
I just want to do good things, and I want to make the world a fraction better because of it.
I don't think I ever allowed myself to want more than what was comfortable.
I don't think I have commitment issues. I've finished and accomplished things - and I don't give myself enough credit for them.
I want this blog to be less of a way to monitor what I want to accomplish, and more of what I have accomplished - and not so that I pressure myself to do more, but so that I am aware, intentional, and new.
Here's to a new beginning.
- Camille Evangelista
