I express my clearest thoughts through writing; if this is a step forward, I have to let it out. To clarify, I'm not publicizing this post or blog on any social media. I haven't posted regularly in almost a year... so really, the only people who will probably see this are the ones who get this link. I may delete this later.
If you're reading this... you probably mean a lot to me... or were - in some small part - a part of this relationship and rooting for us along the way. ♥️This is my whole heart poured out. It's not because I feel I owe people an explanation... but because I don't think I can grow from this if I'm not vulnerable in this way.
The songs I have included have been on repeat... & they could help to give you an idea of where my heart is at.. particularly as I write this. Maybe they can help someone going through this too.
Well... I never imagined I'd be writing about this;
... to be honest, it doesn't feel real.
October 16, 2018 at 10:30pm: I knew I wouldn't be happy after... but I also didn't think I'd be this sad. Everything hurts and people talk about their hearts hurting like that actually can happen... but I feel it. I feel a sadness that feels like I'll never be happy again. I feel like I lost the best thing I ever had...
Before October 16th I thought we'd be getting married.
in a bohemian flower-filled wedding in his backyard - different shades of blue to match the ocean - walking down the aisle barefoot in a backless lace dress with a long trail following behind me.
I wrote out a guest list on a small paper after we celebrated 3 years.
We would have kids - adopt a few; the first girl, we would name Lily.
Instead, I'm sitting alone in my room. Eyes burning and puffy... bed unceasingly creased from my presence for the past 2 nights and 2 days.
My family (and boss) think that I've come up with a fever/flu...
I'd take any of the two over feeling the way I actually do.
How do I get back to normal life...
for almost 7 years now, he was a big part of that normal life.
On Tuesday I went to work in the morning and then got coffee with my friend Andrea. I found out my cousin was getting engaged the night before (one of many people in our lives that have recently gotten engaged with partners they've known for a third of our relationship) and I suddenly felt like the pressure of time and commitment was above our heads more than ever.
She asked me about how life was going, and there, front and center of a coffee shop window in Whittier, I broke out into tears - apologizing profusely for the unexpected breakdown.
why didn't we know at 2 years?
Why were these people ready to take the plunge into marriage, and we were waiting until the logistics were in order - when we could afford a big wedding, after graduating, in 2 or 3 years...?
what if I ended up like my brother, or my dad, who were both in relationships that last 8+ years and ended up with nothing.
But then, a worse realization:
If he proposed to me (then) tomorrow... would I have wanted him to?
For years I had been exhausted with this need to please people... exhausted with the fear of hurting someone I loved...
But I wasn't happy... for the past year, I was just okay.
Fueled by the ever-haunting: How can you let someone like him go...
Our last weeks/months together were filled with empty promises, prioritizing everything but each other, and overall indifference.
Our text messages lacked interest or care - usually.. and regrettably.. on my side.
We made plans to do things... and we always decided to just stay home.
I napped. He played Xbox. He hung out with his friends, I hung out with my friends. (Not inherently bad things).
We stopped taking recommendations to each other seriously. We stopped getting excited about each other's interests and hobbies.
We let each other go to big events or family events alone when before, they were bigger priorities.
I looked through my camera roll tonight and our pictures together were fewer and further between.
The pictures that meant something were from 5 years ago.
Things changed.... and they've been changing for a while now, and we patched whatever gap that formed with the almighty"6 years".
We'd communicate all these problems but the solutions to many of these things just never happened, or couldn't happen.
I was always the "intense" one. I became vegetarian, became vegan, became intense about environmental issues, wanted to compost, wanted to recycle everything, got intense about politics, wanted to be at every rally, wanted to travel the entire world...
He was always the grounded one, & I admittedly needed that -
But ultimately, these two worlds collide and one side feels overwhelmed and the other feels... stagnated.
I didn't need him to be passionate about the same things as me...
but maybe I just needed him to be passionate about something...
maybe I needed him to have a strong belief in something...
something more than just a passive satisfaction with whatever may be.
In the end, I felt like that became our relationship...
October 17, 2018, at 3:04am: You don't feel this now, but you are brave. You gave up a sure thing for the right thing... for growth. For better. For him and for you. Maybe the best things can only get through when we sacrifice - when we trust ourselves and have a little faith in God's plan for it all.
Skylar was a great love. He will feel hurt right now, but hopefully when he is finally at the end of that aisle looking down at the end of it, he will remember how this great love led to his best love.
I wrote this post for me. The me that can breathe again... who doesn't have tear-stained cheeks and a hollowed heart. The me that hopefully has found that person that makes love seem more fearless than fearful - someone who will make this heartbreak feel less like a bad dream.
I wrote this so that I remember the pain I feel now... in every detail... so I don't forget what it was all for.
This post is also for Skylar.
Hopefully not right away...
but when you're ready and wondering where my mind was after I drove off for the last time.
I know you know about this blog... I know you know me well enough to check here eventually..
You told me that night that you understood why... but that I had to understand that you could never talk to me again. My heart broke into a million pieces... and again and again as I watched you walk down your driveway. I wish we could still be best friends but I know that is selfish and impossible.
I hope you don't ever consider these past 7 years a waste of time, because I never will.
You always deserved better, and I'm sorry that I lied to myself - and by default you too, in thinking that I could fill that spot forever.
You are still... up to now, the greatest guy I've ever met in my entire life. Your kindness and patience are so unparalleled that it's unreal. Your goofiness could turn my worst days all the way around... which could've really helped in this current state.. (too soon?)
My heart is broken with the thought of you thinking that this was easy for me.
It wasn't easy for me to walk away from a forever. Losing my best friend isn't easy...
Nobody in this world knows me better... finishes my sentences.. mimics my facial expressions... gets my humor and awkwardness like you do.
I will be thinking of you whenever I hear a great R&B song... every time I mess up and instinctually become hard on myself... I will think of you telling me to relax and breathe, and "not be so intense."
I will think of that advice, ironically now... as I learn to forgive myself for hurting you like this.
This post is also for friends and family,
who will be hurting too.
maybe even hating me.
I'm sorry that I didn't text or call personally about it. Up until writing this blog post, I didn't know how to articulate it without bursting into panicked sobbing.
You lose more than a single person in a break-up, especially after 6 years. I'd never ask any of you to choose any sides... and I actually hope that you are able to remain friends with him.
For the longest time, I think I avoided this out of fear of disappointing people... fear of smashing this idea of "relationship goals" that we built.
I hope you all are able to see more of the love that was gained in this relationship rather than the love that was lost. I don't want anyone to think that love is hopeless or to second guess a good thing.
I think the idea of "relationship goals" can be pretty toxic on either side of the coin.
I guess I just want to clarify that you all always saw the best in our relationship and I will always appreciate that because it made seeing the positive aspects easier in the hard times.
But I had to face the forever picture, and God wasn't showing me Skylar & I could hate God for that... or maybe that's where faith comes in.
Know that it's more than a gut feeling.
It also included three separate and vivid dreams - over the span of a year or so - each of us breaking up and me feeling a wave of relief, and then waking up and crying from the guilt of dreaming it.
I told him about these dreams, but we both didn't know what to do with them.
I guess in more ways than one they came into fruition.
This is by far the hardest thing I've ever gone through... but it wasn't a careless decision.
Maybe sometimes breaking your heart is also following it. Maybe there is no understanding where it went wrong...
This quote found it's way to me through teary eyes at 2 in the morning...
and it was everything,
a sign... a hug goodbye.. a tug at my soul...
... and now I'm starting all over again.
& I will need you all more than ever... and it will probably be hard for me to admit that.
